I often write more in-depth posts, focusing on psycho-education. However, I know so many parents are really just needing a few basic tips to add to their toolbox. So here are a few approaches you can steal to help make parenting a little easier during difficult moments!
So lets break down a few common examples I hear parents struggle with:
You tell your kid to clean up unexpectedly, and they lose it!
A common (unhelpful) response: “If you don’t clean up, no dessert!”
What could be going on, and why your response probably isn’t working:
- Children often have difficulty transitioning from preferred to non-preferred activities. This is especially hard when the transition feels abrupt to them – they do not have the context that adults have to understand the importance of effectively transitioning abruptly.
- Your “punishment” is too far away, or you aren’t always consistent with implementing that consequence.
- There was nothing in your demand that you could follow through on.
A replacement response: (1) “If you don’t clean up, I will come help your body.” or (2) “Do you want one more minute or two?”
WHY it works!:
- In response (1), you can physically create and follow through on this demand to transition.
- Response (2) offers options, which creates the illusion of control, as well as places expectations. This increases willingness to comply with demands.
- Following through on expectations consistently helps children adhere to expectations more independently. Follow through becomes easier with time – they learn fighting it doesn’t change the outcome, and they learn to trust you mean what you say.
Your kid wants something, and does NOT want to wait.
A common (unhelpful) response: “You can have it later.” or “We need to wait until after dinner.”
What could be going on, and why your response probably isn’t working:
- Children don’t have the insights parents do. Later to them means nothing without some more concrete expecations.
- Being told “no” is really hard, and working through those emotions can be difficult as well.
- IF you give ice cream before dinner due to a tantrum, they are learning that tantrums result in reinforcement, making waiting optional.
A replacement response: “First we will eat dinner, then you can have ice cream”.
WHY it works!:
- Offering time frames or at least an order of events can help a child accept delayed access.
- Setting expectations and acutally giving them ice cream after dinner helps them establish trust in you, as well as learn the reinforcing side of waiting.
It’s time to get ready, and they won’t follow their routine/your instructions.
A common (unhelpful) response: “Please can you get your shoes on. We’re going to be late.”
What could be going on, and why your response probably isn’t working:
- Bargaining reinforces noncompliance, and can lead to more power struggles down the road, because not doing it the first time has become an option.
- Yelling may occur after many attempts to gain compliance, which is not an effective consequence – even if it helps get the behavior you want. This may cause more dysregulation and upset with routines.
- Your child may be getting overwhelmed with a routine, and can’t articulate their emotions, or ask for help independently or appropriately.
A replacement response: (1) “If you don’t get your shoes on, I will come help your body.” or (2) “First your left shoe, then I will help you with your right.” or (3) “You can say “I need help”.”.
WHY it works!:
- Response (1) helps if your child is engaging in noncompliance. This may occur if you are somewhere preffered and the child does not want to leave. You can physcially create and follow through on this transition, and you block the noncompliance.
- Response (2) is an example of the premack principle, which helps when a child is having difficulty and needs behavioral momentum to be able to follow through. This is a more appropriate reaction if the child is struggling, but asking for help appropriately.
- Response (2) may be appropriate for kids who may be struggling with multiple steps, as breaking it down and offering help can be useful in reducing overwhelm that leads to noncompliance. In this case, task analysis boards can be helpful to look into.
- Response (3) offers functional communication training, which helps the child learn what to say when they are struggling with something, and communicate needs effectively.
Your child does not request appropriately (especially when frustrated).
A common (unhelpful) response: “Don’t talk like that!”
What could be going on, and why your response probably isn’t working:
- Children have difficulty identifying and articulating their emotions. This is something adults take for granted from time to time (me included!).
- Children have a difficult time regulating themselves.
- At younger ages, children’s brains do not know how to compute “don’t” instructions, making the response you want difficult to provide from their point of view.
- Acknowledging unwanted behaviors and paying attention to it may reinforce that behavior, simply because it is getting some kind of attention (even if the purpose was not to get attention from the parent).
A replacement response: (1) “Let’s try that again.” or (2) “Do you need some help to calm down before we try again?” or (3) “Tell me in your calm voice first, then I can give you what you asked for.”.
WHY it works!:
- Response (1) and (3) gives the child a chance to correct, and establishes your expecations. This is better for older kids who can recognzie expectations and know how to react appropriately.
- Response (3) offers a little more direction and slows things down, helping the child remember what an appropriate response will be reinforced with.
- Response (2) is appropriate for kiddos who are having a hard time regulating and need to co-regulate first. You can help a child co-regulate without paying attention to negative behaviors and still follow through on the demand to repeat the request appropriately.
Takeaway Thoughts
Understanding why your child is reacting the way they are is important in the response you give.
- If they are being noncompliant, some sort of demand you can physically follow through on is helpful.
- If a child is having a hard time transitioning because they’re just a kid, giving them the illusion of control (choice A or B) can be helpful, as can behavioral momentum (do your left foot first then I can help you).
- If your child needs some control, offering premack principle can be helpful (X first, then Y).
Picking your battles is fine (an needed sometimes!), as long as you don’t place demands and then give up once you face resistance. Following through on established demands is essential for behavioral change, to build trust, and a good connection with your child.
You can help your child co-regulate, or help them with their task without paying attention to or reinforcing unwanted behavior.
- This may look like giving an instruction/expecatoin, blocking hitting or other behaviors, or putting their shoes on during refusal. What reinforces unwanted behavior is acknowledging or paying attention to it – this may sound like “why are you talking to me like that?”.
This is not a one size fits all, but may be helpful if it resonates with you. Tailored approaches may be more effective to address specific concerns or road blocks. If these tips were helpful to you, and you feel you and your family may benefit from a more individualized approach, feel free to reach out and inquire about parent training intensives or behavioral therapies!
