“Put your shoes on.”
“No.”
“We need to leave. Put your shoes on, please.”
“I said NO!”
A simple request suddenly becomes a 20-minute argument where everyone is frustrated, and you’re wondering how putting on a pair of shoes turned into a draining battle.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Power struggles with children are one of the most common frustrations parents face that I hear as a therapist. They can happen over homework, screen time, getting dressed, brushing teeth, cleaning up, bedtime, or basically anything else a child decides is worth fighting about (i.e., things they realize involve their autonomy).
The good news is that many power struggles can be prevented before they escalate. The goal isn’t to make your child obey without question, it’s to create an environment where your child can develop independence while still understanding and complying with healthy boundaries or expectations.
Power struggles often begin due to many possible factors. Sometimes it occurs when two people feel strongly about being in control of the same situation, other times they come from unspoken, inconsistent, or abrupt demands parents place.
Parents have legitimate responsibilities. You need your child to get to school on time, complete homework, follow safety rules, and participate in family responsibilities. At the same time, children have a natural desire for independence and control, which is an important part of development that they need to learn to manage appropraitely.
The problem occurs when those two needs collide.
A parent thinks:
“You need to do what I’m asking.”
The child thinks:
“You can’t make me.”
Suddenly, the original issue isn’t really about putting away toys or turning off the tablet anymore. It’s about who is going to win. And once the interaction becomes about winning, cooperation becomes much harder.
The best tip I have for these situations: follow the formula! (the rest of the post goes into more detail on these)
When children feel controlled, they may push back harder to regain a sense of autonomy, especially when the parent begins to engage in what I call “bargaining”. This is when the original demand becomes that back and forth conversation. You may plead with, beg, or try to convince your child to listen.
But here’s what happens:
The child pushes harder. They learn “I have some say here”. And every “NO” they yell reinforces their sense of autonomy and continues the battle. This is why simply becoming more forceful, or continuously repeating yourself doesn’t always solve the problem.
Setting firm boundaries is important, but firm doesn’t have to mean confrontational. One of the most effective ways to reduce power struggles with children is to avoid entering the battle in the first place. But how do you accomplish this on a day to day basis?
Pro tip: Sometimes parents jump to demands or boundaries very rigidly in the moment, and although follow through is important, “picking your battles” is a thing we all need to do at times too. Just remember to do this before you place your demand, not after the battle begins, otherwise we end up encouraging the child to engage in the control seeking battle.
If power struggles seem to happen repeatedly, start looking for patterns. You can also identify the function of the behavior, which includes attention, access, escape, or sensory seeking. This will help you navigate how to place your demands, help them transition, and understand the unwanted responses more effectively.
Ask yourself:
Once you identify predictable triggers or functions of their behavior, you can begin changing what happens before the behavior occurs. For example, instead of suddenly announcing that screen time is over, give a 10-minute warning followed by a five-minute reminder. Small changes in structure can prevent surprisingly big conflicts by preparing your child for transitions or demands to come.
Children need opportunities to experience appropriate control. Choices provide that independence without requiring parents to give up important boundaries.
The key is to offer two choices you’re genuinely comfortable accepting. Another pro tip is to try to place demands that you can physically follow through on (this applies for smaller children more).
Instead of: “Get dressed right now.”
Try: “Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the green one?”
Instead of: “Go do your homework.”
Try: “Do you want to start your homework before your snack or right after?”
Notice that the expectation hasn’t disappeared. Homework still needs to be completed, clothes still need to be worn. You’re simply giving your child some control over how they meet the expectation.
During a power struggle, it’s easy to focus entirely on getting your child to comply. But it can help to be more intentional and ask a bigger question:
What am I trying to teach right now?
Maybe you want your child to learn responsibility. Maybe you value respect, honesty, kindness, independence, or problem-solving. Your response should ideally move your child toward those values rather than simply ending the conflict as quickly as possible. However, it is best to incorporate this early on in your interactions, rather than during or after you engage in bargaining for compliance.
For example, imagine your child refuses to clean up a mess they made.
A punishment-focused response might be: “Fine. No TV for a week!”
A values-based response might sound more like: “In our family, we take responsibility for our messes. You can clean it up now, or you can do it after dinner, but it needs to be cleaned before you move on to something else.”
You’re still holding clearly expressing a boundary, but you’re connecting the expectation to responsibility rather than turning the interaction into a battle. This is a key factor in authoritative parenting, where reasoning and communication is used to foster connection and understanding while maintaining expectations and boundaries. This parenting style is linked to the best child and adult outcomes among the parenting styles.
Adults sometimes expect children to handle disappointment, transitions, and changes in plans without recognizing that flexibility is a skill.
Children need opportunities to practice it.
You can help your child learn to:
Practice these skills during calm moments rather than trying to teach them in the middle of a meltdown.
You can even talk through hypothetical situations: “What could you do if we went to the park and the playground was closed?”
Help your child brainstorm several possible responses. The more children practice flexible thinking when they’re calm, the easier it becomes to access those skills when they’re disappointed or frustrated.
Preventing power struggles will look different depending on your child’s developmental stage.
Keep choices simple and concrete.
“Would you like the red cup or blue cup?”
Use routines, visual schedules, transition warnings, and short instructions. Young children don’t need lengthy explanations during moments of frustration.
Give children more opportunities to participate in problem-solving.
If mornings are consistently chaotic, sit down together and ask:
“Our mornings aren’t working very well. What could we change?”
Children are often more invested in solutions they’ve helped create.
As children get older, collaboration becomes increasingly important.
Parents still set necessary boundaries, but teenagers need opportunities to develop independence and experience the natural consequences of their decisions.
Instead of controlling every decision, determine which boundaries are truly non-negotiable and where your teen can have more freedom.
Sometimes you’ll recognize what’s happening only after the argument has already started. You don’t have to keep going simply because you started.
Lower your voice, stop repeating yourself, avoid adding new punishments because you’re frustrated. Give everyone an opportunity to regulate.
You might say:
“We’re both getting frustrated. We’re going to stop this conversation for now and come back to it when we’re calmer.”
Stepping away from an escalating argument isn’t giving in. You’re modeling emotional regulation and showing your child that conflict doesn’t have to continue until someone “wins.” You also protect yourself from placing demands that go ignored, engaging in unwanted responses that feed noncompliance, you don’t end up placing punishments that you don’t follow through on, and can regulate enough to follow through on the original issue without getting lost in the frustration.
Even with great parenting strategies, power struggles will happen. What’s important is what happens afterward. Repair teaches children that relationships can survive conflict, and models healthy accountability and conflict resolution skills (another key component of authoritative parenting).
Once everyone is calm, talk briefly about what happened.
You might say:
“That got really frustrating for both of us. I didn’t like how I handled part of that conversation. Let’s figure out what we could both do differently next time.”
Parents can take responsibility for their behavior without removing accountability from their child.
You can apologize for yelling while still maintaining the original boundary.
“I’m sorry I yelled. I should have handled that differently. You’re still responsible for finishing your homework, but we can figure out a better way to handle this tomorrow.”
That distinction is powerful. It teaches children that accountability isn’t about blame or shame. It’s about recognizing mistakes, repairing relationships, and trying again.
Reducing power struggles with children doesn’t mean letting them make every decision.
Children need boundaries, but hey also need opportunities for independence. The goal is finding the balance between the two.
When parents use predictable routines, clear expectations, appropriate choices, calm communication, and collaborative problem-solving, children don’t have to fight for control quite as often.
And instead of asking:
“How do I make my child listen?”
You can begin asking:
“How can I help my child learn to cooperate, problem-solve, and handle limits?”
That shift moves parenting away from winning individual battles and toward teaching skills your child can use for a lifetime, and will naturally reduce the battles that occur.
Parenting doesn’t have to feel like constant negotiation.
If daily arguments, defiance, or power struggles are making family life stressful, therapy and parent coaching can help you identify what’s driving those patterns and develop practical strategies that fit your child and your family.
Schedule a consultation today to learn parenting strategies that reduce conflict, encourage cooperation, and help you create a calmer, more connected relationship with your child.
